struggling to draw a full breath

many folks have written or called to offer their prayers. many thanks to you all.

this has been a difficult time for many of us at yale. the murder of annie le is a tragedy that, for us, has no national dimensions. it is personal and it is tragic and it has many of us looking over our shoulders in new ways (the old ways providing the template). the intrusive posture of the media has not helped. they want a story. we want to grieve, understand our confusion, allow our anger its proper space, acknowledge our fear, find a way to be supportive of and/or caring for two families who have been decimated by violence. because le's body was not found for 8 days in a space that was not cool. this means that it had so deteriorated that the only way they could id her was through dna testing. imagine what it is like to tell a mother that it's best that you not see your child because she no longer looks human. imagine what it is like to tell a family that you will have to say your final goodbyes through memories alone.

true, we live in a country where violent, senseless killing goes on each day. for me, this is not about the way in which the status of yale and its elite student body has made this a national case. media can do what they want and have done so. no, this is about violence against women, senseless murder, and the fact that any of us could be victims of such violence--including men. but if, as i suspect is the case, it proves to be that this was a crime of alleged passion, it once again brings to every woman and man full face the way in which women who say "no!" are not listened to and at times silenced permanently. in short, we are seen if not treated as property that can be used or discarded by violent whim.

i am used to going through my days on low level alert--scanning my surroundings because being a professor at an elite institution does not trump my blackness or my femaleness or my sexual orientation. but my alert mechanism has dialed itself up a notch or two. and i am not alone on this campus in this regard. secretaries and administrative assistants (who are overwhelmingly women) across the campus are having hushed and not so hushed conversations about their safety. some are afraid because they work in offices where the traffic patterns are episodic and the building can be relatively quiet for long stretches. there are counseling services available to all of us and some are using them. but it will take time for the trauma to subside for many of us and for us to be able to go on. but it's doubtful we will forget.